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Kelvin MacKenzie: The convict MP with an ankle tag shackled to her leg is shaming Britain
We've reached a new low in British politics.
You thought it was bad when we invaded Iraq. You thought Gordon Brown's wonky jaw was a national embarrassment. You thought John Prescott chinning a heckler was...actually that one was pretty good.
But anyway, last night MPs were asked to vote on Theresa May's Brexit deal, and one turned up wearing an ankle tag because she's a convicted criminal who has just been released early from prison.
MPs are supposed to be law makers, not law breakers. Is Fiona Onasanya, former Labour MP for Peterborough, now an independent, really the best we've got?
She was sentenced to three months in prison in January after she lied to police about who was driving her car when it was caught speeding.
Honestly, we'd be better served if we had a pig wearing a ribbon representing Peterborough.
Can we have two minute's silence please for the fair people of Peterborough. They already had nothing to live for, they threw a week long party when a Matalan opened and the McDonald's became 24hr. And now they've got this total shower representing them in Parliament.
And it might cost the taxpayer £500,000 to force a by-election in her seat. She, of course, doesn't want to give up her taxpayer-funded salary complete with comprehensive expenses package.
Typical lefty - always got her hand out.
And then you look around the gilded chamber as men and women (who get to vote on their own salary increase each year) shriek across the benches as though they're performing in a Shakespeare play in a backstreet theatre somewhere near Slough.
If Theresa May was a household pet you'd be on the way to the vets right now, Jeremy Corbyn is a Poundland Lenin whose biggest political achievement was bedding Diane Abbott, the Speaker of the House John Bercow has a face like gout and loves the sound of his own voice so much he probably watches PMQs on repeat.
Is this really the best the country has to offer? A bunch of overpaid, soundbite obsessed no hopers who went into politics to change the world and ended up changing wives instead.
A word on Theresa May though - let's be honest; you and I would have quit by now. I'd have had an epic breakdown and would have been escorted out of Downing Street in a straight jacket with dribble pouring down my chin as I shouted things like 'Brussels is the enemy'.
She's got some staying power. She's got good stamina. And there's something to be said for that. Terrible dancer though.
The fact is that people voted to leave the European Union - 17.4m of them. Whether they voted to leave because they wanted to take back control of their laws and money, or because they wanted to reduce immigration to zero, it doesn't matter - the people spoke.
And the dim-witted shysters occupying the green leather sofas have stuck two fingers up to the people. The little people. The people who've only ever voted for one thing ever and mistakenly thought their wishes would be adhered to.
I'd get rid of the lot of them. Start again. Maybe Guy Fawkes was right.
As things stand, if aliens landed on the roof of the Houses of Parliament and went inside, they'd return back to their galaxy and say there was no sign of intelligent life.
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