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New laws putting speed limiters on cars will prove as popular as Novichok
Do you ever feel like the state is needlessly trying to control every aspect of your life?
Do you ever feel like you're living in George Orwell's 1984? Well, welcome to Big Brother - you are live, please do not swear.
New rules are being put in place by the EU to put a speed limiter in every new car in Europe from 2022.
Do you remember when we were all told by Tony Blair, who has famously never told a lie in his life (just ask the people of Iraq!) that we should all buy diesel cars because it'll be better for us? Yeh, does this kind of have the same feel to it?
The argument is that by putting a speed block on cars to make sure they don't go over 70mph it'll make us all safer.
A few things on this:
a) On UK motorways how often do you get to actually go over 70mph anyway?! I'd love to see a map of where all the roadworks on UK motorways are. It would cover the length and breadth of the country.
Does it wind you up when you see those signs on the side of the road: 'Please slow down, my daddy works here' and it's a picture of a child wearing a hard hat and a high-vis vest that the protesters in Paris would be proud of?
He's obviously claiming that his dad is hard at work on the roadside so you should be careful.
I hate to break it to you, kid - your daddy isn't working here. He never has. In fact, nobody has - for years. There are roadworks on the M1 that I'm pretty sure pre-date the Triumph Herald.
b) Aren't there times when speeding is necessary or, dare I say it, safer? Take this example: You're driving at 70mph in the middle lane and some old Doris from Stoke-on-Trent decides to veer across you from the inside lane because wing mirrors clearly weren't invented when she learnt to drive.
There's a lorry right up your backside - you can't break or you'll face a stiffer rear-ending than Katie Price in her prime.
You have to speed up and swerve to the right to avoid a certain crash. You don't want to be blocked from doing so by the robot controlling your car.
I mean, we've had a robot ruling this country for a while and that's turned out to be about as bad as the political equivalent of Novichok.
We talk about Vladimir Putin hacking elections, are we sure he hasn't hacked into Theresa May's hard-drive?
Anyway, there is a silver lining to all this of course.
If this all comes into force and we're all stuck driving at the same, fixed speed, the next time you pull up next to someone who's spent £300,000 on a supercar you can shout 'WHAT A WASTE OF MONEY' at them as they stare on, blankly, wondering why they forked out for all that unnecessary horsepower.
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